Finding & Keeping A Life Partner

by Dov Heller, M.A.

The article below would be useful for both the married and unmarried ones, please take some time to read.

Rule # 1 - MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON AND 90% OF YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'. I believe this is the .. 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct, there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone, You need a lot more'!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line: marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished' or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right'. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve' them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse'. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not a going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention... Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones don't appreciate you?Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you... the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open and after you marry, close one eye'. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?
Do you compliment and compromise with each other or do you compete, compare and control?
What do you bring to the relationship?
Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust and past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment and 'a life', you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
9.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty and pain will replace.

Interview

When for a walk-in interview yesterday afternoon, a post offered by a hotel. There is quite a few people on that day for certain positions that the hotel offered. So far i know there is 2 other people that is aftering the job that i went for on the day of my interview.

But now, I don't know how many competitors that i need to compete against as the walk-in interview will only last till this Friday, meaning there might be lots of people after the position that I applied. Sigh.... Anyway, the good news is that the interviewer is going to call me in for 2nd interview, which i don't know when.

Hope i can get the position. Fingrs crossed!

It Lab

sitting in front of laptop in IT lab typing this post. =)

i did not plan to come to IT lab today but since i have promised my friends that i will help him in assignment the day before, so i no choice. my headache is still there about to amounting to a slight fever as i have start coughing.

tomolo is the submission for 2 of my assignment and gladly to say that i have completed them beforehand and are ready to submit. =p but i still have 2 more to go which i'm still working on it.

gambateh!

Headache

having this for the past few days... been thinking quite a lot in my tiny brain. lots and lots of stuff seems to popping out without me realising it till the last minute and it has start to affect my mood and studies.

24/7 didn't seem enough for me to take care of the problems. feel like being away from this little spaces of mine to somewhere where i can breathe peacefully. but i can't do that at the moment as i got datelines to meet for assignment submission.

hopefully all the things will go away eventually after the submission so that i can enjoy my coming holidays!

Lately

nothing much has happens apart from the usual routine. assignments has taken up most of my time as the submission is approaching and i'm halfway through.

though i'm busy i still manage to have fun and go out for movies on friday night with my maid, melvin and sharimi. got 4 free tickets to watch Hancock, quite a not bad movie after all. =)

been working part timely yesterday night at a function and get to earn extra pocket money.=p

for today, i'm working as well cause can't resist in not earning extra money to go holidays in the mean time of me unemployed.

A Persons Attitude

READ THIS...
LET IT REALLY SINK IN - THEN CHOOSE.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!"

"You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.
You can choose to be in a good mood or...you can choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or...I can point out the positive side of life.
I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.

"I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices:
I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.

He continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude...

I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.".

After all , today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.